This week has been brutal. Too much bad news. Horrific news. The kind news that just breaks you down, makes you hug your family just a little tighter, and makes you find beauty in the stains in the carpet and crumbs on the floor and the kids bickering and fighting upstairs.
One of my favorites has an amazing word: Brutiful. This life, its brutiful. Its both brutal, and beautiful. Brutal in the pain, and beautiful in the healing.
I sat last night with a dear friend and spoke of all the recent things that have just shook me to my core. I talked about how I don't want my family. I wish I had never married, and never had kids (wait, before you jump up on your soapbox and point at me and judge...just wait). I don't want to lose my husband, I don't want my kids to experience the pain of losing a parent, I don't want to lose a child. With great love, comes even greater pain. Its inevitable. But, I was reminded today, that its how we channel that pain that matters. So, I guess I'll keep my family.
After my dear friend left last night, my husband and I sent our kids up to shower and get ready for bed. As they groaned, and fought tooth and nail, we talked about everything that has happened recently. And I just broke. down. Tears streaming down my face I got up from my barstool and paced around the kitchen. It was like I was preaching to an auditorium of people (my poor husband...). I said, "We get ONE SHOT at this. ONE. ONE. ONE SHOT at life. That's it. That's all we get. This is it. No rehearsal. You show up, and you live."
I continued to wipe my face, drying the many tears that kept coming down my chapped cheeks (there's been A LOT of tears this week).
"I worry that I won't have enough time to accomplish enough, and that my time will end."
It was, almost, as though I was yelling at myself. Reminding myself, YET AGAIN, that this life is finite. I'm scared that people don't realize this.
Guys. This is it. We get one shot. Don't mess this up.
"Decide what to be and go be it." ~The Avett Brothers